I'm trying to to stay still in the Lord and believe in Him.
I'm waiting for some very important news and the waiting is killing me. Everything sort of hinges o this news and, even though I've been told it's not a big deal, it's still difficult. Please Lord reassure me. I need your strength. I give it to you. I can't do this alone.
I love you.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I know God can do anything. I will not be afraid.
God can heal the sick and dying. I've seen it with my own eyes. God can provide for us. I've seen it too. God can do anything. God can do anything. God can do anything. I will not be afraid.
It's time to go to bed and I am not afraid to dream. Many times I have been afraid to sleep. Just like the Freddy Kruger movies, I believed I would dream about Ant and I would wake up in a terrible state. Tonight, whatever happens, I will not be afraid because I know God will do what is best for me. I am going to believe that he will come in when I have almost lost hope and save me. He does not want to see me hurt. He does not want to see me fret. He wants me to be happy because he loves me.
I don't know why I had a terrible dream last night but today I witnessed such amazing things that I know God is with me. I have no doubt.
Lord, thank You for all my friends that pray for me. Thank You for their amazing resolve to help me. I am blessed, Lord and I will keep my eyes on You.
It's time to go to bed and I am not afraid to dream. Many times I have been afraid to sleep. Just like the Freddy Kruger movies, I believed I would dream about Ant and I would wake up in a terrible state. Tonight, whatever happens, I will not be afraid because I know God will do what is best for me. I am going to believe that he will come in when I have almost lost hope and save me. He does not want to see me hurt. He does not want to see me fret. He wants me to be happy because he loves me.
I don't know why I had a terrible dream last night but today I witnessed such amazing things that I know God is with me. I have no doubt.
Lord, thank You for all my friends that pray for me. Thank You for their amazing resolve to help me. I am blessed, Lord and I will keep my eyes on You.
The dreams are the worst.
The dreams are the worst! I hate it when I dream of him.
Last night I dreams it was in a school dorm. It was a large school dorm with huge hallways and really wide staircases. I had run into him several times I think and he had treated me with pure contempt. One day was different thought. I was walking down the hallway with friends and he looked at me with such sad eyes. I excused myself from my friends and walked over to say hello. When I got there, he just started to cry. I immediately threw my arms around him and told him it was okay.
"I'm here. What's the matter? What can I do?" I told him.
"I'm so confused. I'm so sad and confused. I miss you and I miss Tom." he bawled.
"Tom's here! Do you want to see him?" my heart was just pounding and hoping he would say yes. Ant just nodded and I started guiding him gently down the stairs.
We walked into the parking lot and there was Tom in the truck. I expected to see Tom as an adult but he was just a toddler of, maybe, three years old. I was happy to see him as a little boy again. I started to tear up myself.
Ant got in the driver's seat and I ran around the other side. I stopped briefly to get something or pick something up off the floor. As I reached the door, I saw the door was locked and Ant was staring at me with the same contempt I was used to. Tom was in the truck with him and he was going to leave me again.
"No! No, Ant, please! Don't take Tom! Tom get out!" The truck backed up, almost running me over, and he screeched out of the parking lot with my son. I could tell he was heading over to his parent's house for some sort of reunion celebration. I was left alone sobbing and confused and destroyed again. I was horrified!
I know God does not bring fear into our dreams. I wondered why, when I had been praying so much for God to visit Anthony in his dreams, why did I have this dream last night? What is the dream telling me? I'm going to think about it.
Last night I dreams it was in a school dorm. It was a large school dorm with huge hallways and really wide staircases. I had run into him several times I think and he had treated me with pure contempt. One day was different thought. I was walking down the hallway with friends and he looked at me with such sad eyes. I excused myself from my friends and walked over to say hello. When I got there, he just started to cry. I immediately threw my arms around him and told him it was okay.
"I'm here. What's the matter? What can I do?" I told him.
"I'm so confused. I'm so sad and confused. I miss you and I miss Tom." he bawled.
"Tom's here! Do you want to see him?" my heart was just pounding and hoping he would say yes. Ant just nodded and I started guiding him gently down the stairs.
We walked into the parking lot and there was Tom in the truck. I expected to see Tom as an adult but he was just a toddler of, maybe, three years old. I was happy to see him as a little boy again. I started to tear up myself.
Ant got in the driver's seat and I ran around the other side. I stopped briefly to get something or pick something up off the floor. As I reached the door, I saw the door was locked and Ant was staring at me with the same contempt I was used to. Tom was in the truck with him and he was going to leave me again.
"No! No, Ant, please! Don't take Tom! Tom get out!" The truck backed up, almost running me over, and he screeched out of the parking lot with my son. I could tell he was heading over to his parent's house for some sort of reunion celebration. I was left alone sobbing and confused and destroyed again. I was horrified!
I know God does not bring fear into our dreams. I wondered why, when I had been praying so much for God to visit Anthony in his dreams, why did I have this dream last night? What is the dream telling me? I'm going to think about it.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Praying for him (and her) isn't easy, but it gets easier.
At first praying for him was a joke. I don't mean to be disrespectful to our Lord, no prayer is a joke but I felt like I was just going through the motions. I tried to say the right words and I really tried to mean them. As I asked God to put aside my feelings and bless them, I wrestled with the fact that my heart, as much as I willed for it, did not mean these words. I still tried, however. Every Wednesday especially, in front of the Holy Sacrament, I begged God to listen to me.
Here's a typical prayer. The print is what I said. The italics is what I thought.
"I forgive them Father. Father, please let Anthony know that I forgive him. I release the pain. I release the hurt. I release the anguish. It does not serve me to hate him Lord. It does not serve me to wallow in the pain. The pain is released Dear Lord. I need the pain to remember him Lord. How can I let go of the pain? It's all he left me with. Please bless Ant and bring him to your kingdom. Please touch his tender heart. Lord, Bless her Father. I know you love her too. No you don't. She is your child just like me. No she's not. She's an evil homewrecker. She loves her children just like I like Tom. No mother would subject her children to this situation. No real woman would want a man who turned his back on his child. Please bring her to your kingdom. Please keep us the heck away from one another because I'll kill her if she comes near me. God, I trying. Help me to pray and mean my prayer in my heart. Amen."
I can't believe I actually prayed like this. Who am I kidding? I still struggle not to pray like this everyday.
Forgiving someone that hurt you is a journey. It doesn't just click one day. It's just like losing weight. You have your good days and your setbacks. You fall down all the time. I just tell myself to get back up because that's what God wants and what Jesus would do. I try to not beat myself up and rectify the situation with Our Lord. I try to avoid the anger and hate all day so it doesn't build up.
For a long time, I couldn't pray for him at all. I had decided maybe it's best to set him aside for a while. Again, he's not my responsibility. I can't save him. I need to worry about myself. However, I always seem to go back. When you're married, especially for the 20+ years I was married. I think that person always is with you. Not praying for Ant would be like not praying for myself. We are still one flesh. When I resumed my prayers, I was given some awesome advise that I want to share with you.
Invite Jesus into your heart every day, all day. Tell Him you need Him. You can't do it alone. Only Jesus can forgive sins. His death forgave for all of us: Ant and her included. I, technically, cannot forgive a thing since I am not our Lord. With Jesus in my heart, I can forgive with my heart and know that when I pray for them now...I mean it from the depths of my heart to the tip of my mouth. The entire prayer is heart felt and sincere. There are no voices that contradict my prayers because they have been silenced by the Holy Spirit. It's pure peace and love given to me by Christ in one with God.
Here is my prayer now.
"Lord, what has happened to me does not matter. I just want to praise You for being my Father, my Husband, my Provider, my Savior, my everything. Lord, I ask you to visit Ant and her and tell them I'm okay. Please let him know that I'm okay and that with the grace of Your son I can let go of the hurt and anger. I don't wish them harm. Rather, I wish them the peace of knowing You are God and You are in charge. Let them live their life for You. Please Lord, bring them to your kingdom so we may all one day be together in Your glory. Amen."
I struggle less and less everyday to get here. I promise. Let God help you release your pain. Just give him a chance.
Here's a typical prayer. The print is what I said. The italics is what I thought.
"I forgive them Father. Father, please let Anthony know that I forgive him. I release the pain. I release the hurt. I release the anguish. It does not serve me to hate him Lord. It does not serve me to wallow in the pain. The pain is released Dear Lord. I need the pain to remember him Lord. How can I let go of the pain? It's all he left me with. Please bless Ant and bring him to your kingdom. Please touch his tender heart. Lord, Bless her Father. I know you love her too. No you don't. She is your child just like me. No she's not. She's an evil homewrecker. She loves her children just like I like Tom. No mother would subject her children to this situation. No real woman would want a man who turned his back on his child. Please bring her to your kingdom. Please keep us the heck away from one another because I'll kill her if she comes near me. God, I trying. Help me to pray and mean my prayer in my heart. Amen."
I can't believe I actually prayed like this. Who am I kidding? I still struggle not to pray like this everyday.
Forgiving someone that hurt you is a journey. It doesn't just click one day. It's just like losing weight. You have your good days and your setbacks. You fall down all the time. I just tell myself to get back up because that's what God wants and what Jesus would do. I try to not beat myself up and rectify the situation with Our Lord. I try to avoid the anger and hate all day so it doesn't build up.
For a long time, I couldn't pray for him at all. I had decided maybe it's best to set him aside for a while. Again, he's not my responsibility. I can't save him. I need to worry about myself. However, I always seem to go back. When you're married, especially for the 20+ years I was married. I think that person always is with you. Not praying for Ant would be like not praying for myself. We are still one flesh. When I resumed my prayers, I was given some awesome advise that I want to share with you.
Invite Jesus into your heart every day, all day. Tell Him you need Him. You can't do it alone. Only Jesus can forgive sins. His death forgave for all of us: Ant and her included. I, technically, cannot forgive a thing since I am not our Lord. With Jesus in my heart, I can forgive with my heart and know that when I pray for them now...I mean it from the depths of my heart to the tip of my mouth. The entire prayer is heart felt and sincere. There are no voices that contradict my prayers because they have been silenced by the Holy Spirit. It's pure peace and love given to me by Christ in one with God.
Here is my prayer now.
"Lord, what has happened to me does not matter. I just want to praise You for being my Father, my Husband, my Provider, my Savior, my everything. Lord, I ask you to visit Ant and her and tell them I'm okay. Please let him know that I'm okay and that with the grace of Your son I can let go of the hurt and anger. I don't wish them harm. Rather, I wish them the peace of knowing You are God and You are in charge. Let them live their life for You. Please Lord, bring them to your kingdom so we may all one day be together in Your glory. Amen."
I struggle less and less everyday to get here. I promise. Let God help you release your pain. Just give him a chance.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Actually Starting To Forgive? That's true love.
I'm going to go back an provide the details but I had to just start. I want the world to know that I have finally resolved myself to forgive.
My son and I were abandoned. My ex-husband had everything a man could want and he left us for a woman that worked for him. He lost everything...everything. Within a week, he was fired as president of a Fortune 500 company, moved out of our home, cleaned out the retirement accounts and bank accounts and filed for divorce. To make matters worse, it all happened in my son's first week of his senior year of high school. We were lost, penniless and completely heartbroken.
For the record, I thought he would come home. I thought he would get over his midlife crisis and come home to the people that loved him for him. Instead, we became the enemy. We were the reason that everything bad happened to him and he was hell-bent to make us pay. Slowly, we lost everything....houses, cars, furniture, jewelry, weight, reputation...everything except each other and most importantly God.
For a long time I was confused...wait I'm still confused. For a long time I was irate....that just flairs up every once in a while but it's under control now. I'm still very hurt and it hurts to see my 19 year old son go on without his father. However, I have forgiven. I really have forgiven.
At first I forgave for myself. Purely selfish reasons so I didn't have to feel angry or begrudged. I let it go to God and decided to figure out ways around the problem (him) instead of facing it head on all the time. That's not forgiveness. It's denial and avoidance.
I finally forgave when I knew in my heart it wasn't going to help any of us to hold on to the hurt. I wanted to move forward and live my life. I wanted to leave him behind. I wanted to imagine a life where what he did to us did not matter. I wanted him to know that it wasn't important any more and that I will always love him enough to say "It's okay, Ant, I'm okay. Don't beat yourself up by beating us up anymore. It will just hurt a chance you have to be with Tom. I still love you but I don't care for you. I can't care about you anymore. You are not my responsibility. I just want you to find a place of peace for yourself and a way back to God. He loves you too Ant. Give Him a chance."
I know that God gave me the ability to forgive and pray for him. I hope someone will see this one day and tell him. Even more, I hope that someone who has been hurt reads this and considers forgiving the person that hurt them. That is true love. It's the love Christ had for us when he suffered and died and was buried. It's not minding what you endured so that the ones you love can be saved. Just thinking about it is how you get there. Baby steps my friends.
My son and I were abandoned. My ex-husband had everything a man could want and he left us for a woman that worked for him. He lost everything...everything. Within a week, he was fired as president of a Fortune 500 company, moved out of our home, cleaned out the retirement accounts and bank accounts and filed for divorce. To make matters worse, it all happened in my son's first week of his senior year of high school. We were lost, penniless and completely heartbroken.
For the record, I thought he would come home. I thought he would get over his midlife crisis and come home to the people that loved him for him. Instead, we became the enemy. We were the reason that everything bad happened to him and he was hell-bent to make us pay. Slowly, we lost everything....houses, cars, furniture, jewelry, weight, reputation...everything except each other and most importantly God.
For a long time I was confused...wait I'm still confused. For a long time I was irate....that just flairs up every once in a while but it's under control now. I'm still very hurt and it hurts to see my 19 year old son go on without his father. However, I have forgiven. I really have forgiven.
At first I forgave for myself. Purely selfish reasons so I didn't have to feel angry or begrudged. I let it go to God and decided to figure out ways around the problem (him) instead of facing it head on all the time. That's not forgiveness. It's denial and avoidance.
I finally forgave when I knew in my heart it wasn't going to help any of us to hold on to the hurt. I wanted to move forward and live my life. I wanted to leave him behind. I wanted to imagine a life where what he did to us did not matter. I wanted him to know that it wasn't important any more and that I will always love him enough to say "It's okay, Ant, I'm okay. Don't beat yourself up by beating us up anymore. It will just hurt a chance you have to be with Tom. I still love you but I don't care for you. I can't care about you anymore. You are not my responsibility. I just want you to find a place of peace for yourself and a way back to God. He loves you too Ant. Give Him a chance."
I know that God gave me the ability to forgive and pray for him. I hope someone will see this one day and tell him. Even more, I hope that someone who has been hurt reads this and considers forgiving the person that hurt them. That is true love. It's the love Christ had for us when he suffered and died and was buried. It's not minding what you endured so that the ones you love can be saved. Just thinking about it is how you get there. Baby steps my friends.
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