Praying for him (and her) isn't easy, but it gets easier.

At first praying for him was a joke. I don't mean to be disrespectful to our Lord, no prayer is a joke but I felt like I was just going through the motions. I tried to say the right words and I really tried to mean them. As I asked God to put aside my feelings and bless them, I wrestled with the fact that my heart, as much as I willed for it, did not mean these words. I still tried, however. Every Wednesday especially, in front of the Holy Sacrament, I begged God to listen to me.

Here's a typical prayer. The print is what I said. The italics is what I thought.

"I forgive them Father. Father, please let Anthony know that I forgive him. I release the pain. I release the hurt. I release the anguish. It does not serve me to hate him Lord. It does not serve me to wallow in the pain. The pain is released Dear Lord. I need the pain to remember him Lord. How can I let go of the pain? It's all he left me with. Please bless Ant and bring him to your kingdom. Please touch his tender heart. Lord, Bless her Father. I know you love her too. No you don't. She is your child just like me. No she's not. She's an evil homewrecker. She loves her children just like I like Tom. No mother would subject her children to this situation. No real woman would want a man who turned his back on his child. Please bring her to your kingdom. Please keep us the heck away from one another because I'll kill her if she comes near me. God, I trying. Help me to pray and mean my prayer in my heart. Amen."

I can't believe I actually prayed like this. Who am I kidding? I still struggle not to pray like this everyday.

Forgiving someone that hurt you is a journey. It doesn't just click one day. It's just like losing weight. You have your good days and your setbacks. You fall down all the time. I just tell myself to get back up because that's what God wants and what Jesus would do. I try to not beat myself up and rectify the situation with Our Lord. I try to avoid the anger and hate all day so it doesn't build up.

For a long time, I couldn't pray for him at all. I had decided maybe it's best to set him aside for a while. Again, he's not my responsibility. I can't save him. I need to worry about myself. However, I always seem to go back. When you're married, especially for the 20+ years I was married. I think that person always is with you. Not praying for Ant would be like not praying for myself. We are still one flesh. When I resumed my prayers, I was given some awesome advise that I want to share with you.

Invite Jesus into your heart every day, all day. Tell Him you need Him. You can't do it alone. Only Jesus can forgive sins. His death forgave for all of us: Ant and her included. I, technically, cannot forgive a thing since I am not our Lord. With Jesus in my heart, I can forgive with my heart and know that when I pray for them now...I mean it from the depths of my heart to the tip of my mouth. The entire prayer is heart felt and sincere. There are no voices that contradict my prayers because they have been silenced by the Holy Spirit. It's pure peace and love given to me by Christ in one with God.

Here is my prayer now.

"Lord, what has happened to me does not matter. I just want to praise You for being my Father, my Husband, my Provider, my Savior, my everything. Lord, I ask you to visit Ant and her and tell them I'm okay. Please let him know that I'm okay and that with the grace of Your son I can let go of the hurt and anger. I don't wish them harm. Rather, I wish them the peace of knowing You are God and You are in charge. Let them live their life for You. Please Lord, bring them to your kingdom so we may all one day be together in Your glory. Amen."

I struggle less and less everyday to get here. I promise. Let God help you release your pain. Just give him a chance.